Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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