dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
