Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
