Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize