There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
