Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
