I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We just shotgunned beers for America
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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