You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
