airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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