Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
