1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
