Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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