i was born a porn star she said
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
