im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
