when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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