If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
