im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize