I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
there's paper in my vomit.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
