Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
