I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize