My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
