ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
