just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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