I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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