Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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