how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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