I just cut my nipple shaving
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
