so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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