i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
where are my eyebrows?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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