I think my fart just growled at me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
