He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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