what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
