Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
