I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
