im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
