dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
