I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
