We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
