the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
