woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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