Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
