ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
