went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
