I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
