Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
