I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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