what day is it and did you see me today?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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