Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
