he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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