We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
