She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
