did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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