And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
