Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
