First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize