booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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