The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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