saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
