Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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