Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
