Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
