a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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